2010 Has been a GOOD and BAD year for me....

OK So January started off with a bang because I spent it with my parents and my mom had gotten better!  February is my sons and my BF/adopted sister's birthdays. The two most exciting days and not too much happened except for my former supervisor starting to get on my last FREAKING NERVES!!  February was also a month that caught the best of me.  I received a crazy but fun case of the year.  Can't discuss details because I don't like violating confidentiality.  But anyways this case had me feeling like I was at an unnecessary scene of Law and Order...but I did what I had to do regardless of the BS and DRAMA!! LMAO! (insider with Moma BC).  This is also when I got to really meet the Assistant Commissioner at the office.  I call her Moma BC....she is leaving us....so yea like am really going to miss her! She moving on to bigger and better things.  Oh wait....back to me!! And I also managed to get to know two of the most wonderful deputies and my Lissy Starr.    So moving on to March....this is the month where my first born was delivered via c-section 13 years ago!!  So we had plans to celebrate but she did not want to because she is not a kid anymore. So dinner and a movie it was.  I do not even want to think about the expense I am in for on the sweet sixteen.

So March became a bad month for me after my princess's b'day.  That's when I was hit with a BAM!! I got my FIRST and prayerfully my LAST fatality case.  Yea I have been traumatized ever since!  Anyways, thank god it was not what I thought it was....enough said.  R.I.P babygirl. But I gotta say that aside the fact that I was depressed over this traumatizing events in which I chose to deal with on my own cause I don't like anyone in my business.  This case has made me a more focused and stronger person.  I learned a whole lot from this plus I had my Lissy Starr to vent to when needed.  She the BEST!  Not only did I have that fatality but Grandma Leo ended up in the hospital.  And thanks to Moma BC I was able to focus both on my work and my grandma.  I don't know what am gonna do when Moma BC leave.

So April came and was hearing good news at the beginning and than BANG! Grandma left to be with Jesus.  RIP Grandma...MISS YOU! Glad to have gotten the opportunity to be by your bedside while you were at the hospital.  And thank you for letting me know that you were proud of me and that you loved me before you left.  And thanks for the SMILE.  I will forever hold that memory!  Oh but guess what?! April was also a good month.  I was finally moved from my HELL of a UNIT!!  Well let me take that back.....the unit was not hell.  But my former supervisor put me through soooooooo much HELL....that's the way I felt.  So I was found a new temporary foster cubicle that I am dying to get out of.  I can not find any supervisor that is as compatible as I am.  Oh wait I think I might have one...her name is Parker.  Oh and McCrae too bad she training unit now...cause I believe that is like met my best Match.  Anyways so I was told that I am stuck!! for a while because...am not even gonna go there....BUT I will say that I will prove to my lovely Corinne that I will meet her expectations!

So May came and I began to focus and notice a change in me.  I was less stressed and able to work cause I had a new cubicle and did not have to deal with that stress-or, I have had for the previous two years.  I loved my job even more and began to feel like I was finally being heard!!

June...my mommy's birth month.  So we celebrated at her home.  And it was also my dear friend Judy Torres birthday...so I hit her up on myspace, facebook and KTU...LOL! And it was also Moma Doris bday...so shouted her out on FB and blew up her work and personal emails...am just that cool.

So than JULY came....my birth month and the month when I lost my twin but gained an ANGEL! So July 7th he made 15 years in heaven and than I freaking turn 35! OMG!!! Am getting old!! Oh yea...I also made 9 years with my boo boo's daddy! jejeje....And the most magnificent thing happened.  My BFF/second pops and moms/uncle/aunt/brother and sister(oh F it...he my everything cause sometimes he can be my son...LOL) Samuel Soto dared me to get on an airplane with my children and go with him to Puerto Rico!!! My first answer to him was "OH HEEEELLLLLL NOOO, I AIN'T GETTING ON NO FUCKING AIRPLANE"....IS YOU CRAZY!!!.  And than after him bothering for a couple of weeks.  I gave in!! and had the BEST time of my LIFE....and till this day I still get chills...I got on an AIRPLANE! I wanna go again!!! I want to go to SANTO DOMINGO!!!

Okay So September came and children are back in school,  freaking cases began flying in...the beginning of fall stress...LOL.

So it's October and my boo boo began school!! He is in Kindergarten and he loves and hates it....LOL typical child of mine! Oh and yea...I freaking moved out LA CASA DE DRAMA Y BOCHINCHE!! LMAO!!!  BFF did me a house warming! I so freaking love that guy.  I felt so welcomed in my new home.  So this was also my Lissy Starr's birth month.  So I blew up her text, email and FB PM...LOL.  And this was my sis and daddy's birth month, so we cut them a cake at the house warming too and I gave my daddy a cell phone for his bday and mom cursed me out cause she old fashioned and pops is slightly not...LMAO...gotta love that little woman.

And November came and I QUIT SMOKING for good!!!!  and Thanksgiving was great, we did it in my house and I was so happy that my mommy came!! So we got dunk and shit and I still made it to work the next day cause the Commissioner did not give us the day off and he never does....that freaking sucks!

and we are in December...I lost a friend who was more like an uncle....RIP Don Tomas!  And my honey gave me an Xbox....he drive me crazy sometimes but I gotta love that man, because he took in me and my daughter....not a lot of men get involved with women who already has a child.  and not every man can put up with my bitchassness...LOL.  And I also got paid and went broke on Christmas gifts and BILLS...blah!   OMG and my unit went on vacation but me...and I had the craziest week this week.....I thought I was going to loose some of the little marbles I have left....LMAO but My Lissy Starr came to my rescue and we bonded for the past three days at lunch time.  I love that chic!  She is such a sweetheart.

Oh and last but not least, I learned that I am the strongest and strangest person I have ever met!

R.I.P Thomas Scull

I sat here in prayer for you and Jeanette when I first learned that you landed in the hospital.  I sat here this morning in shock and despair and SMH when I learned that you left us.  I sit here now with a SMILE on my face and your voice in my head and knowing that you are in a better place and that you are no longer suffering.  I sit hear remembering all the good times we had in and out of VOA.  I sit here and remember all the smiles you put on my face when I was feeling down.  How you motivated me and encouraged me to do me and forget everybody else.  How you had faith in me and helped to build my self esteem.  Remembering when I first told you; Thomas I am applying for ACS and how you told me " Do it, do it baby, you can do anything cause you a smart girl."  Those words meant a lot to me.  You were like the Cuban uncle I never had.  BTW still waiting for my trip to Cuba you promised to take me and my kids on.  But its okay I will go one day god willing in your name and I will make sure that we have a great time.  I remember when I first became family monitor and was the first one at the school, you always had my coffee ready.  That was the best coffee I ever had and I miss it.  Brings a smile to my face when I think of how my morning greeting was "good morning nigga wassup?"  LOL! Those were great times.  You were my smoking buddy at 167th and guess what I quit smoking! Thank god!  You were my Spanish teacher while I was your English teacher and how all we taught each other were all the bad words. LOL.   I remember how I told you Thomas I'm in, I'm leaving VOA and going to ACS and how you said "Good for you, I knew you can do it, I'm proud of you meng, you my nigga."  Those meaningful words will be a part of me until its my turn.  I can go on and on but keep my memories and let you go.  I will take care of your Jeanette and be there for her as long as she needs me to and that's a promise.

Love you and miss you already.....
May you Rest In Peace...

Walton Memories 101

I grew up in this block called Walton Avenue, where everybody knew everybody.  Summer time was the best times in Walton.  I remember living on the first floor and I barely used the door to leave the house cause I was always jumping out the window.  My best friends in the block was this chick called Alice aka "Weehee" and Anganee if I am spelling it right.  But you could always catch me out in front of the building with "Mari", "Barbie" "Bonita" and Wally.  We were like the good girls of the block who were always getting into trouble.  Come to think of it.. I think I fought with more boys than I did girls...LMAO....that's cause I was the tomboy of the crew. Really thinking about it, I think I fought the most out of the crew and that's cause I was the shortest and the quietest that nikkas thought they could pick on me and get away with it.  HA! But it was the shortest that had the last laugh!  

Do you know that the best times in life are the most embarrassing ones that you can look back and laugh about it.  Like the times when out moms would yell our names out the window to go to the bodega!  Dinner time was the bomb...especially when Lucy would cook (Lucy is the grandma of the block).  Latinos always got the grandma of the block.  Come to think about it...we had everything in that block.  Beginning with the corner of the block....901 "The outcast"...where the store owners lived and where all the most depressing people lived...cause they was always talking about how their boyfriend/girlfriend left them and how they wanted to end their lives....That building needed a prescription of prozac!  Than we have 911...."The Bullies"...Most of the trouble makers lived in that building, which most were the all talk but no action and always had to be jumping somebody instead having a fair clean fight....I believe Emmit knows what I mean.  Than we had 923-"The Bipolar" building...this is the building where everybody believed they was family...we would walk into each others apartment like we were part of the family..."knock knock...who is it?...me....open the door...smh...that's how we rolled.  But than the next day...we was fighting like siblings and shit...LMAO...and the next day...it was forgive and forget, back to being friends again.  That is where the best memories began.  Than we have 955 aka..."The drug den"....this where we believe that all of the drugs were being sold from...the building that had the most bullet holes...cause there was always a shoot out.  Last but not least...we had 975...the biggest building in the block...That was the trick or treat building....cause the only time we stepped in there was on Halloween cause thats where we got the most candies.

So we had some very famous people in our block...but I am saving that for the next blog....getting late heading to bed.

TO BE CONTINUED!!

Weird but true experience...

            There are certain things that happen in life that makes the mind just wonder, things that you can not explain but must accept and keep it moving.  There are people that you will automatically connect to without a doubt.  For those who have kids.  Have you ever been somewhere and all of a sudden you get this weird feeling that something is wrong with your child.  And next to you know you come to find out that maybe your child is sick at school, fell and got hurt or is sad about something.  It's called a gut feeling, a bonding, a connection that you have to that person.  Because you are a part of that person's life and love that person, you can sometimes feel what they feel whether its happiness or sadness.  Sometimes it even happens when you are close to your parents....you can sometimes feel their stress or sadness even when you are not near them.  Well the same goes for me and my friends.  Something weird happen to me last night.  Or should I say early this morning.  I have  this person I am somewhat and somehow close to, you can say she's my friend.  So I go to bed and all of sudden, I felt this heaviness on my shoulders, my chest got tight and than I began to cry for like no reason! So I close my eyes and guess who I see...my friend crying.  Weird but true I was feeling my friends pain.  Why? I don't know. But I wake up this morning only to find out that she's sad and hurting and could not sleep at the same time that I could not sleep.  I guess we have some sort of  bond I can't explain.  But can say there is a reason why we're friends.  There is a reason why god put us in each others life and why our friendship is here to stay.  Know that you can always depend on me.  Know that I care as much as you do.  Know that I am always listening even when you think I don't and Know that I am always grateful for everything you do for me.  I gotta say I learn a lot from you.   I learned how to function, love, live and conquer and no matter how imperfect I am, I can always try my best and I can always accomplish what I set my mind and heart to.

You are a true friend and I love you.

The Move

So I finally moved into my new apartment last week.  I must say it was the most stressful thing at first because I had sooo much to do! I had to not only unpack, but had to register the little one in school for kindergarten and than transfer my daughter from her old school to the new one.  Oh and than I had my father's birthday and my house warming.  Thanks to my BFF Sammy and my lil bro Ramze, I was able to pull through my first week at the new crib. These are the best, they helped me unpack, clean the house and get my kids situated.  

So I like had to miss days of work in which I felt bad missing but my children's education come first and so does my sanity.   So by the grace of god I was able to register the little one in kindergarten. However my daughter's school was a bitch to transfer her.  So like I went the first day to transfer her and they told me I needed proof of address, yea like umm hello like I have my lease! So they tell me oh not the lease con ed...So like yea did I not mention I just moved in and I have not received a con ed bill because I just moved in.  So I had to go to con ed and get a letter stating that I have an account with them at my home address... SMH!  So I go back with the letter, my daughters last transcript and her immunizations.  They than tell me oh she is missing the Tdap shot, I say no she is not, she got it last school year and I remember because she was excluded from school until she got the shot and that shot is given every ten years.  So it so happens that her doctor forgot to write it in her record.  

Now the school has a system that I have at work.  So I tell the woman if she checks the system she will see that my daughter has the shot.  She said " no I have to see proof in black and white"...SMH! So what did I do, went to work and printed out in black and white and took it to her.  She looked at it and said "oh you work for the city?"  Like no shit, I told you that four days ago when I first came to register her, and by the way that document I just gave you, you could have pulled out yourself four days ago and she would have not missed all these days.  

So during that week, I totally felt like a freaking client and now understand what my clients go through when they have to deal with the school and yet these damn school have the nerve to call in cases.  So anyway at least she is school now which is whats important.  

Well my house warming went well as well as my father's birthday!  I am 3/4 done with the unpacking but still working on some new furniture.  So I am beginning to feel so much better now.  

To be continued...

Life goes on...

All she wanted was love and affection.
All she needed was some attention.
Someone to just listen and understand.
She wanted a teacher not a preacher.
Someone who would be able to lead her in the right direction.
Someone to make sure she didn't take the wrong paths.
All she needed was someone to run to.
Someone who she can turn to.
Instead she grew up on her own, all alone.
She made the right moves.
While she looked for someone to approve of the hard decisions she had to make.
Now she just stands there and waits.
For the day to come where she moves on.

Dedicated to my pride and joy who inspires me.

DREAMS CAN COME TRUE!!

So I am a Child Protective Specialist! I have finally made two years in the agency.  So much has happened within these two years and I have endured more stress-ors and stresses than anyone can ever imagine.  But I love my job and I love what I do.  So my biggest dream is to become the next Commissioner of ACS.  YES! I want to be the next John Mattingly.  So I have already taken the first step by making it into the agency.  It took 5 years but I did it! I got on my feet, put my past behind me, went to college and obtained my Bachelors Degree in Forensic Psychology and than I went for it.  I went for my dream of becoming a CPS and succeeded.  

Now its time to work on my second dream and make it come true like I did my first.  My goals are to get my MSW so that I can move up.  I will get my MSW and grow in this agency so that I can get where I need to get to be the next Commissioner.  I have faith and I believe in myself an through god, all things are possible!

I will Succeed! Just you wait and see!

The picture frame on my desk...

So my co-worker wants to know whats the significance of the picture frame on my desk.  Well when growing up I have always had the desire to work in the field of child protection.  So my peoples think I am weird for having a picture frame with photos of innocent deceased children.  So call me weird but that's not how I see myself or how I see things.  The picture holds a meaning to me.  It is a reminder to do a great job so that we don't have anymore children to add to the picture.  My job isn't easy and there are stressful and certain situations that would make me want to quit but every time I take a look at the picture it reminds me of the reason I came into this field in the first place.  It reminds me that I have a purpose and that purpose is to serve and protect the children.  In the agencies eyes and in my eyes; the safety of the children come first.  The minute I walk into the office, the first thing I do is turn on the computer, look at my picture that I created and begin to focus on my purpose, than take it case by case and return the hundred voice mails and emails I have received.

When I get a new case, the first thing I do is look at the picture and pray to god and all my little angels to guide me and help me focus when I am out there, so that I can see what needs to be seen and hear what needs to be heard.  Than I prepare to go out and do what I am destined to do.  Children are vulnerable but children love their parents no matter what is going on in their lives, so they are not always going to be open to say my parents are abusing or neglecting me.  So it is up to my eyes to see  and my ears to hear what they are afraid to tell me so that I can protect them.

So I hope this answers your question.  If not than I don't know what else to tell you.  That's just me!! It's in my nature to be real with myself and with those that I am surround by.  They are also my little inspirations as to why I must work hard to get where I want to get in the agency.

The Name Butterfly!

I often get the question, why do I call myself Butterfly or where did the name Butterfly come from.  Well it all started like this.  I read a book called the Life Cycle of a Butterfly to my daughter when she was younger and that story triggered an emotional event for me.  A Butterfly is first a caterpillar and a caterpillar has to die before a Butterfly is born. 

I was once a twin and now I am what they would call a surviving twin.  Normally surviving twins are separated at birth through illness or one being stillborn etc or later on in life through an illness etc.  In my occassion it was through death.  My twin and I were very close and sometimes....well the majority of the times inseparable.  Events happened in our lives and we went through our ups and downs and sibling rivalries but we were still close.   At age 19 things took a turn in my life.  My twin passed away, not sure whether he had commited suicide or he was murdered because we really never found out the truth and too many stories were told.  However that is all in God's hands now and even if we searched for the truth...it will not bring him back.  So for me my life with my twin were my caterpillar years.  The day my twin passed away...a part of me died but another part of me came to life and that is why I call myself Butterfly.

It was hard learning to live on my own without my other half at the begining of living the single twin life "the surviving twin".  Thank God he gave my mom 6 other children besides us because they were able to lift my spirits and keep me going to appreciate life more than ever now. 

Well just wanted to answer the curiosities of why the name Butterfly. 

To be continued...