Perfectly Imperfect Life

 Wake up in the morning making a liste of determinations in my head.  Looking forward to what lies ahead. Can’t see what’s in front but keep walking the path.  Letting god guide me. Can’t see him but I know he’s there.  

I’m not perfect but he knows my heart.  Good intentions although I sometimes I sin. I know I’m always here for the win. 

Daily struggles but always make it through knowing that everything is always possible no matter how long it takes.  

Darkness fails.

 

Darkness fails when you look into the light.

Look within your soul, and you will prevail.  

No time waisted when love is in your heart.

Follow your path. Conquer your dreams.   

Seek the lord for teaching and meaning.  

Darkness fails when you look into the light.

Deceptions and allegations.

Seek truth for it shall set you free.  

Spread your wings and be fearless. 

Free spirited and strong willed.  

Looked into the light. Darkness failed.  

Stay home, Stay Safe, Stay Sane!

We are almost at the end of August!  I have literally been working from home since March! I'm not gonna lie; when this pandemic first started, I did not know what to make of it.  I did not know whether to believe it or not.  As days went on and it was all over the news and the number cases went up; I began to know, shit was getting real out there.  That's when my mental health sort of deteriorated.  I was fighting a silent battle to not affect others around me.  My anxiety and bipolar depression took over me. It had me to the point where I even began to loose my hair. All I wanted to do was sleep all day but I couldn't cause I had to get up and work.  Adjusting to working from home was a struggle cause the systems we have are slow and kept kicking me out.  I was getting frustrated to the point where shit would make me cry.  I was also homeschooling a teen and a preschooler.  Thank goodness the teen was able to do things on his own.  But the preschooler was a lot difficult.  My Dad was also a little bored and stressed out cause he had to stop jogging.  I couldn't take the risk of letting him go out at his age. 

As weeks went by I began to adjust and get accustomed to the change.  I decided that I was not going to let this CORONA shit get to me or take over me and my emotions.  It was time to battle this thing of course safely and in Quarantine.  I started to think positive and find better and easier of way in working from home.  Copy and paste are my best friends.  As a lot may know I am obsessive compulsive.  I think this whole family is.  I began to organize my home work life a.k.a. #Quaratinelife2020 . I took this opportunity to clean up my room and get rid of much needed items.  I transformed things in my room in order to make myself a work space separate from my sleeps space.  I moved my computer desk and got myself a new computer and printer to make things easier for me especially since I found out that we may be working from home until the middle of next year or so.  

So my Dad and I decided to partner up and tackle this new way of living.  The first two months was times of adjustment.  I bought him, a Cubii so he can at least exercise his legs, I got him a recliner, a Nintendo mini and The Emerald 360 Air fryer to keep him entertained.  My son on the other hand loves this quarantine.  He was made for this, cause he gets to be on the PlayStation, watch TV or YouTube all day.  Once in a while he will step out with his mask to go play basketball.  Jaylee has been go back and forth between here and her PGP's.  She stays with them for two weeks and then stays here for two weeks.  

My Dad gets up and makes sure I get up top log in for work.  He works out while I have my coffee and start my work day.  He then makes us breakfast.  After work, I always find something to do in this house so that i don't get bored or end up sitting down all day.  I also make sure to include my dad, Jaylee and Julie Ann so that they don't get bored or develop the quarantine stress.  Everyday is something different.  Mondays are the worst though. Mondays are the days when work is chaotic and I end up working through lunch and overtime after work.  Those are the days where once I am done is bath and bed while chillaxing watching TV.  Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays are lighter so I might either tackle a certain spot in the house to throw things out or cook something to give my dad a break.  Friday it depends but I am always done by 5. So I might do something different like either have someone come over and we'll cook and have some drinks or might go out and visit someone or just take a walk around the hood.  Sometimes I might just stay home and catch a flick with Jaylee or my Dad.  

The weekends are always different, it's either stay home and clean or schedule some time with others.  Every other weekend is for visiting with family or friends. 

I have truly come around and have fully adjusted into working from home.  I am no longer suffering quarantine stress, anxiety or bipolar depression, my hair is not falling out as much and I am a much rounded happier person.  

Well Stay home, stay safe and stay blessed!!

Losing Your Mother

                          A piece of My Heart



I have lost many people in my life but losing my Mother has been the hardest to accept and the hardest to believe.  There are moments when I feel like I am dreaming and will wake up from a nightmare.  My mother was my everything...she was a Gemini...she could be my enemy but my best friend at the same time while growing up.  Of course as children, you think you know it all so your parent becomes your enemy and as you get older you realize they were right from the beginning and they become that only person you can rely on.  That was my Mom!  I hold the fondest and best memories of her.  I was one of those children who left home and always came back as if I was still attached to the cord.  There was nothing or no one that would keep me away from my parents...our bond is tight!  No matter how many times I moved out, I always moved back in.  It was like I was the one who needed to keep them company and safe.  We took care of each other until it was me and Dad taking care of her as she aged and her mind went another direction in other words the old age decease of Dementia and Paranoia.  There was only so much that we could do to keep her stabilized for as long as we could. 

On November 7th, 2016, she took a turn for the worst and had to be hospitalized.  It was one of the most stressful years of my Dad's, Family and my life.  I was going from a stressful job to the hospital and then home to take care of the kids and grand kids.  How did I do it?  How did survive?  I can only say by the grace of God.  Around December 21, 2016 we almost lost her and god gave us another 11 months with her.  Mom was transferred from the hospital to a rehabilitation center in February 2017.  Where she spent the rest of her remaining life in.  Those 9 months she was in there were the most depressing and stressful times for my Family and I, especially my DAD!  Watching him go through it made me go through it, however we all went through it. 

There is one thing I never told my Dad and my siblings, when my mother was admitted to the rehabilitation, both my brother and I became her proxy's.  During one of my visits I spoke with the team and gave them specific instructions that if something ever happened to my mother they are NOT to call my Dad or my Brother first as they would not be able to handle it.  They were instructed to call only me as I will designate myself to be the bearer of bad news! That is how my Mom would have wanted it.  Of course since I had prepared myself during the year she was not at home.   I believe that my Mom attempted to prepare me and all for her departure...some of us saw it and some of didn't.  I saw it and my brother Jr. saw through experiences and dreams.  I asked God for a miracle everyday but also asked him to prepare me if he was taking her. 

What I did not realize is that no matter how much you prepare yourself, no matter how much your loved one prepares you for their departure and God prepares you.  You are never prepared.  The pain is real. No one is ever prepared to loose a loved one.  I know that we all will have our days but no one is ever prepared to loose a loved one!!  I know God one day will prepare me for my departure.  I know it will be the most painful day for my kids.  I pray for them. 

I know during her last days; my Mom prayed for us internally as she became non-verbal.  We know that she loved us as she would cry and smile when she saw us.  We loved her and I know she went knowing that she was loved and that she will be missed but we will remain strong and carry her legacy. 

I am the strongest of us all because Mom made me that way.  Mom thought me to be the Wonder Woman that I am and to keep my family together.  Like my mother used to say "Dios es mi pastor, nada me faltara" (the Lord is my shepherd, I will not miss anything).  RIP Mom!!

"Giving up is not an option" (P.M.M)

For the past year and a half, I went through it!  I had the ultimate life struggle.  I went from a separation, to living with my parents back to moving out on my own while going back to school to obtain my Master's in Public Administration and Affairs all continuing to raise my children and grand children.  IT was a hell of a struggle but I did it!  I accomplished what I thought I couldn't achieve.  There were many times where I felt like I was just going to give up due to extraneous circumstances but thank god I had my best friend Mimi, my field instructor Yessy and my dad by my side to help me keep it pushing. My best friend will always tell me, "giving up is not an option".  That stuck with me for my last two semesters.  There were times where I cried and times where I laughed.  Now I just smile.  There were times where I felt selfish because my main priorities were completing homework, ensuring that things at work were up to date and making sure my parents were good forgetting that I have 3 little ones at home and a needy almost adult late teens 19 year old child at home leaving her in charge.  Yup, there were times she got the short end of the stick and I kind of felt bad until I realized what I was doing was not only going to benefit me but will also benefit their future.

SO! Yea, I don't live with a guilty feeling anymore.  If I could do it all over again I would but thank god not.  Every aspect of that one year intensive course was worth it and a lesson learned.  I am proud that I made the extra effort to the finish line.  I am grateful that I had those who I had to help me grow mentally, professionally and personally.

With that said I challenge everyone to set Goals and Conquer.  If I can anyone can.  They key is apply, believe and self-motivate.  Set a goal and reach for it until you get to that finish line.

I'm going to call this one---->Robin Williams-Good Bye to me-->Depression has no prejudice....

     

       Last Sunday something strange happened to me and I still wonder how things in life inexplicably happen.  I was in my room resting of course after chores.  It was the one day that I didn't do my nails or hair cause I was too tired.  I decided to sit home and relax and watch some TV which I rarely do since Netflix came out.  I started to think of Robin Williams and decided to watch some of his movies just because I had a very long week and needed some laughs.  The strangest thing was right before bed I started to think of "Mork and Mindy" as well as repeating the phrase "Nanu Nanu" in my head while bursting out in laughter and wondering whatever happened to that show.  I went to bed with a smile thinking about how funny Robin Williams always was and how he always made me laugh no matter how serious a movie was, there was always one piece of funny in him.

       On Monday while typing notes at work, my phone vibrated with a notification from Eye Witness News with the headline reading "Actor Robin Williams 63 found dead."  At first I cleared the notification and then it hit me...wait a minute; did I just read that right.  Let me open up the app!  Sure enough it was what I read.  I couldn't believe what I was reading.  Nah this can't be true, I was just watching some of his movies yesterday and thinking of "Mork and Mindy"...."Nanu Nanu".  Nah that can't be true.  Next to you know I hear voices in the office "Omg, Robin Williams died"! Male voice- "Who?"  Female voice-"you know, the Nanu Nanu man".  Damn so it is true.  SMH, I wonder what happened was all I could think of, after that.  

       So I come home to watch the News..."apparent suicide".  Nah that can't be true, he was the funniest man alive.  How can someone that appeared so happy and make people laugh...kill himself?  Is that possible? But wait! I was thinking of him all night! I went to bed with a smile from all the laughter I was given by him.  Made me have something special to remember, the fact that I thought of him in his gifted ways the night before I hear of his death; was his way of saying good bye to me.  His death touched me in many ways.  My twin died of an "apparent suicide".  I still question why sometimes. What makes people take their lives so early?

       When my brother died we were left with a bunch of rumors and speculations.  Until this day no one really knows what happened.  Fact is my brother was very different from the rest of us.  He forced himself to grow up at an early age.  No one ever knows what was running through his mind.  Knowing who I am and how I was back then can only tell me what part of him was.  I know back then I suffered from depression to the point where I ended up in a mental institution four times.  One of them being after my twin passed away.    I can only imagine my twin suffered the same however reacted differently.  

       Depression has no prejudice.  People do not choose to be depressed.  No one wants sadness and darkness in their life.  Depression is an illness.  Just like any other illness, an illness no one wants or ask for.  Sometimes it just comes! Not everyone who holds a smile is a happy person.  Some people know how to hide behind a smile.  Like Robin Williams hid behind his comedy and making people laugh.  

People really need to learn the signs and symptoms and know that there is help out there.

Julie Rodriguez ©  

Signs:

• Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
• Fatigue and decreased energy
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
• Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
• Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
• Irritability, restlessness
• Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
• Overeating or appetite loss
• Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
• Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
• Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

Depression carries a high risk of suicide. Anybody who expresses suicidal thoughts or intentions should be taken very, very seriously. Do not hesitate to call your local suicide hotline immediately. Call 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) or 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) -- or the deaf hotline at 1-800-799-4TTY (1-800-799-4889).

Warning signs of suicide with depression include:

• A sudden switch from being very sad to being very calm or appearing to be happy
• Always talking or thinking about death
• Clinical depression (deep sadness, loss of interest, trouble sleeping and eating) that gets worse
• Having a "death wish," tempting fate by taking risks that could lead to death, such as driving through red lights
• Losing interest in things one used to care about
• Making comments about being hopeless, helpless, or worthless
• Putting affairs in order, tying up loose ends, changing a will
• Saying things like "It would be better if I wasn't here" or "I want out"
• Talking about suicide (killing one's self)
• Visiting or calling people one cares about

Remember, if you or someone you know is demonstrating any of the above warning signs of suicide with depression, either call your local suicide hot line, contact a mental health professional right away, or go to the emergency room for immediate treatment.

Signs of Clinical Depressions (2012) Symptoms of Depression http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/detecting-depression

Happy Mother's Day Mom!