Stay home, Stay Safe, Stay Sane!

We are almost at the end of August!  I have literally been working from home since March! I'm not gonna lie; when this pandemic first started, I did not know what to make of it.  I did not know whether to believe it or not.  As days went on and it was all over the news and the number cases went up; I began to know, shit was getting real out there.  That's when my mental health sort of deteriorated.  I was fighting a silent battle to not affect others around me.  My anxiety and bipolar depression took over me. It had me to the point where I even began to loose my hair. All I wanted to do was sleep all day but I couldn't cause I had to get up and work.  Adjusting to working from home was a struggle cause the systems we have are slow and kept kicking me out.  I was getting frustrated to the point where shit would make me cry.  I was also homeschooling a teen and a preschooler.  Thank goodness the teen was able to do things on his own.  But the preschooler was a lot difficult.  My Dad was also a little bored and stressed out cause he had to stop jogging.  I couldn't take the risk of letting him go out at his age. 

As weeks went by I began to adjust and get accustomed to the change.  I decided that I was not going to let this CORONA shit get to me or take over me and my emotions.  It was time to battle this thing of course safely and in Quarantine.  I started to think positive and find better and easier of way in working from home.  Copy and paste are my best friends.  As a lot may know I am obsessive compulsive.  I think this whole family is.  I began to organize my home work life a.k.a. #Quaratinelife2020 . I took this opportunity to clean up my room and get rid of much needed items.  I transformed things in my room in order to make myself a work space separate from my sleeps space.  I moved my computer desk and got myself a new computer and printer to make things easier for me especially since I found out that we may be working from home until the middle of next year or so.  

So my Dad and I decided to partner up and tackle this new way of living.  The first two months was times of adjustment.  I bought him, a Cubii so he can at least exercise his legs, I got him a recliner, a Nintendo mini and The Emerald 360 Air fryer to keep him entertained.  My son on the other hand loves this quarantine.  He was made for this, cause he gets to be on the PlayStation, watch TV or YouTube all day.  Once in a while he will step out with his mask to go play basketball.  Jaylee has been go back and forth between here and her PGP's.  She stays with them for two weeks and then stays here for two weeks.  

My Dad gets up and makes sure I get up top log in for work.  He works out while I have my coffee and start my work day.  He then makes us breakfast.  After work, I always find something to do in this house so that i don't get bored or end up sitting down all day.  I also make sure to include my dad, Jaylee and Julie Ann so that they don't get bored or develop the quarantine stress.  Everyday is something different.  Mondays are the worst though. Mondays are the days when work is chaotic and I end up working through lunch and overtime after work.  Those are the days where once I am done is bath and bed while chillaxing watching TV.  Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays are lighter so I might either tackle a certain spot in the house to throw things out or cook something to give my dad a break.  Friday it depends but I am always done by 5. So I might do something different like either have someone come over and we'll cook and have some drinks or might go out and visit someone or just take a walk around the hood.  Sometimes I might just stay home and catch a flick with Jaylee or my Dad.  

The weekends are always different, it's either stay home and clean or schedule some time with others.  Every other weekend is for visiting with family or friends. 

I have truly come around and have fully adjusted into working from home.  I am no longer suffering quarantine stress, anxiety or bipolar depression, my hair is not falling out as much and I am a much rounded happier person.  

Well Stay home, stay safe and stay blessed!!

Losing Your Mother

                          A piece of My Heart



I have lost many people in my life but losing my Mother has been the hardest to accept and the hardest to believe.  There are moments when I feel like I am dreaming and will wake up from a nightmare.  My mother was my everything...she was a Gemini...she could be my enemy but my best friend at the same time while growing up.  Of course as children, you think you know it all so your parent becomes your enemy and as you get older you realize they were right from the beginning and they become that only person you can rely on.  That was my Mom!  I hold the fondest and best memories of her.  I was one of those children who left home and always came back as if I was still attached to the cord.  There was nothing or no one that would keep me away from my parents...our bond is tight!  No matter how many times I moved out, I always moved back in.  It was like I was the one who needed to keep them company and safe.  We took care of each other until it was me and Dad taking care of her as she aged and her mind went another direction in other words the old age decease of Dementia and Paranoia.  There was only so much that we could do to keep her stabilized for as long as we could. 

On November 7th, 2016, she took a turn for the worst and had to be hospitalized.  It was one of the most stressful years of my Dad's, Family and my life.  I was going from a stressful job to the hospital and then home to take care of the kids and grand kids.  How did I do it?  How did survive?  I can only say by the grace of God.  Around December 21, 2016 we almost lost her and god gave us another 11 months with her.  Mom was transferred from the hospital to a rehabilitation center in February 2017.  Where she spent the rest of her remaining life in.  Those 9 months she was in there were the most depressing and stressful times for my Family and I, especially my DAD!  Watching him go through it made me go through it, however we all went through it. 

There is one thing I never told my Dad and my siblings, when my mother was admitted to the rehabilitation, both my brother and I became her proxy's.  During one of my visits I spoke with the team and gave them specific instructions that if something ever happened to my mother they are NOT to call my Dad or my Brother first as they would not be able to handle it.  They were instructed to call only me as I will designate myself to be the bearer of bad news! That is how my Mom would have wanted it.  Of course since I had prepared myself during the year she was not at home.   I believe that my Mom attempted to prepare me and all for her departure...some of us saw it and some of didn't.  I saw it and my brother Jr. saw through experiences and dreams.  I asked God for a miracle everyday but also asked him to prepare me if he was taking her. 

What I did not realize is that no matter how much you prepare yourself, no matter how much your loved one prepares you for their departure and God prepares you.  You are never prepared.  The pain is real. No one is ever prepared to loose a loved one.  I know that we all will have our days but no one is ever prepared to loose a loved one!!  I know God one day will prepare me for my departure.  I know it will be the most painful day for my kids.  I pray for them. 

I know during her last days; my Mom prayed for us internally as she became non-verbal.  We know that she loved us as she would cry and smile when she saw us.  We loved her and I know she went knowing that she was loved and that she will be missed but we will remain strong and carry her legacy. 

I am the strongest of us all because Mom made me that way.  Mom thought me to be the Wonder Woman that I am and to keep my family together.  Like my mother used to say "Dios es mi pastor, nada me faltara" (the Lord is my shepherd, I will not miss anything).  RIP Mom!!

"Giving up is not an option" (P.M.M)

For the past year and a half, I went through it!  I had the ultimate life struggle.  I went from a separation, to living with my parents back to moving out on my own while going back to school to obtain my Master's in Public Administration and Affairs all continuing to raise my children and grand children.  IT was a hell of a struggle but I did it!  I accomplished what I thought I couldn't achieve.  There were many times where I felt like I was just going to give up due to extraneous circumstances but thank god I had my best friend Mimi, my field instructor Yessy and my dad by my side to help me keep it pushing. My best friend will always tell me, "giving up is not an option".  That stuck with me for my last two semesters.  There were times where I cried and times where I laughed.  Now I just smile.  There were times where I felt selfish because my main priorities were completing homework, ensuring that things at work were up to date and making sure my parents were good forgetting that I have 3 little ones at home and a needy almost adult late teens 19 year old child at home leaving her in charge.  Yup, there were times she got the short end of the stick and I kind of felt bad until I realized what I was doing was not only going to benefit me but will also benefit their future.

SO! Yea, I don't live with a guilty feeling anymore.  If I could do it all over again I would but thank god not.  Every aspect of that one year intensive course was worth it and a lesson learned.  I am proud that I made the extra effort to the finish line.  I am grateful that I had those who I had to help me grow mentally, professionally and personally.

With that said I challenge everyone to set Goals and Conquer.  If I can anyone can.  They key is apply, believe and self-motivate.  Set a goal and reach for it until you get to that finish line.

I'm going to call this one---->Robin Williams-Good Bye to me-->Depression has no prejudice....

     

       Last Sunday something strange happened to me and I still wonder how things in life inexplicably happen.  I was in my room resting of course after chores.  It was the one day that I didn't do my nails or hair cause I was too tired.  I decided to sit home and relax and watch some TV which I rarely do since Netflix came out.  I started to think of Robin Williams and decided to watch some of his movies just because I had a very long week and needed some laughs.  The strangest thing was right before bed I started to think of "Mork and Mindy" as well as repeating the phrase "Nanu Nanu" in my head while bursting out in laughter and wondering whatever happened to that show.  I went to bed with a smile thinking about how funny Robin Williams always was and how he always made me laugh no matter how serious a movie was, there was always one piece of funny in him.

       On Monday while typing notes at work, my phone vibrated with a notification from Eye Witness News with the headline reading "Actor Robin Williams 63 found dead."  At first I cleared the notification and then it hit me...wait a minute; did I just read that right.  Let me open up the app!  Sure enough it was what I read.  I couldn't believe what I was reading.  Nah this can't be true, I was just watching some of his movies yesterday and thinking of "Mork and Mindy"...."Nanu Nanu".  Nah that can't be true.  Next to you know I hear voices in the office "Omg, Robin Williams died"! Male voice- "Who?"  Female voice-"you know, the Nanu Nanu man".  Damn so it is true.  SMH, I wonder what happened was all I could think of, after that.  

       So I come home to watch the News..."apparent suicide".  Nah that can't be true, he was the funniest man alive.  How can someone that appeared so happy and make people laugh...kill himself?  Is that possible? But wait! I was thinking of him all night! I went to bed with a smile from all the laughter I was given by him.  Made me have something special to remember, the fact that I thought of him in his gifted ways the night before I hear of his death; was his way of saying good bye to me.  His death touched me in many ways.  My twin died of an "apparent suicide".  I still question why sometimes. What makes people take their lives so early?

       When my brother died we were left with a bunch of rumors and speculations.  Until this day no one really knows what happened.  Fact is my brother was very different from the rest of us.  He forced himself to grow up at an early age.  No one ever knows what was running through his mind.  Knowing who I am and how I was back then can only tell me what part of him was.  I know back then I suffered from depression to the point where I ended up in a mental institution four times.  One of them being after my twin passed away.    I can only imagine my twin suffered the same however reacted differently.  

       Depression has no prejudice.  People do not choose to be depressed.  No one wants sadness and darkness in their life.  Depression is an illness.  Just like any other illness, an illness no one wants or ask for.  Sometimes it just comes! Not everyone who holds a smile is a happy person.  Some people know how to hide behind a smile.  Like Robin Williams hid behind his comedy and making people laugh.  

People really need to learn the signs and symptoms and know that there is help out there.

Julie Rodriguez ©  

Signs:

• Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
• Fatigue and decreased energy
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
• Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
• Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
• Irritability, restlessness
• Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
• Overeating or appetite loss
• Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
• Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
• Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

Depression carries a high risk of suicide. Anybody who expresses suicidal thoughts or intentions should be taken very, very seriously. Do not hesitate to call your local suicide hotline immediately. Call 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) or 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) -- or the deaf hotline at 1-800-799-4TTY (1-800-799-4889).

Warning signs of suicide with depression include:

• A sudden switch from being very sad to being very calm or appearing to be happy
• Always talking or thinking about death
• Clinical depression (deep sadness, loss of interest, trouble sleeping and eating) that gets worse
• Having a "death wish," tempting fate by taking risks that could lead to death, such as driving through red lights
• Losing interest in things one used to care about
• Making comments about being hopeless, helpless, or worthless
• Putting affairs in order, tying up loose ends, changing a will
• Saying things like "It would be better if I wasn't here" or "I want out"
• Talking about suicide (killing one's self)
• Visiting or calling people one cares about

Remember, if you or someone you know is demonstrating any of the above warning signs of suicide with depression, either call your local suicide hot line, contact a mental health professional right away, or go to the emergency room for immediate treatment.

Signs of Clinical Depressions (2012) Symptoms of Depression http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/detecting-depression

Happy Mother's Day Mom!

Situations always make me a stronger person.

Hola migente! Wassabe!

It's been awhile since I been here.  Well since my last blog a lot has been going on.  I been very busy.  I re-arranged my living room, got rid of the annoying biatch Diamond etc etc.  She living good now though.  She live in a house with a two doctors and three children and a huge back yard she can run wild in.  Glad I let her go.  Any who I still have my turtle, guinea pig and Bella.

My son was in the hospital for a day and half due to somehow getting asthma.  That was the most scariest experience for the both of us.  Well to me more because he really didn't understand what was going on with him and only wanted to be home playing the damn Xbox.  I on the other hand was a paranoid wreck inside but remain strong and calm for the both of us.  Thank goodness I had my family Debbony, Ramze and Ruben by my side and my peoples Michi, Lissy, Rosie, Fifi and more supporting me via text etc.  It's not easy nor pleasurable to hear a doctor say "you're lucky you brought him in when you did."  That shit blew my mind!! That's my baby, my prince, my second and final born.  I thank god that everything turned out right and my baby is okay now! Well physically, mentally and emotionally okay, but he still under medication and has to be monitored very closely and is limited on a lot pf physical activities for now.  But I am truly grateful for both my children.

My teen! She drives me nuts!!! But she my twin, my princess, my first born, my everything and my mirror image to the power of infinity! But she hasn't killed me yet! Otherwise Ya wouldn't be reading this.  Oh yeah and hers too ended up in the hospital because her never listens when I tell her it's cold out put on a coat.  She be swearing that she freaking cold proof!! FOH! What the hell is wrong with teenagers dag nammit! and then they got the nerves to blame me when they get sick...like nah son! But any who...she aiight after 3 hours and two treatments.  She ain't got to be monitored, she just gotta be slapped up into wearing her coat which she effin didn't wear today cause after she left to school I found it in the living room. She wore her tiny ass justin beiber jacket (that's what I call it.)  Deja que se me enferme otra ves.  She gonna hear my mouth till infinity.

Me! Went through that experience with my baby and then had to do a lot of catching up at work.  You know what it is to work in a damn hurricane with no MTA transportation, so you're limited to actually do work cause you can't do home visits to then end up in an emergency with one of your children that caused me to have to take some days off and then the holiday to have to comeback to a huge amount of work and like 4 damn brand new cases.  I have been working overtime since catching up with visits and gonna have to continue working overtime just to document them damn visits.  But anyway, I know I can do it.  I always do!

Through all this, I learned that I am the strongest person I know! Nothing can break me and can only strengthen me.  What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger.  Life goes on....

Bueno migente have a good evening! Hasta la proxima!

Parenting: There is no wrong or right way...

     Often times you hear people say things like "that's bad parenting" or "they are raising their children the wrong way" which only makes you think...well WTF is good parenting or what is the right way to parent.  The thing is, there is no wrong or right way.  There is just effective and ineffective ways of dealing with children. 

When children do things we don't agree with, they are not being bad.  They are just doing something we don't agree with.  The key to fixing that is letting them know and giving them consequences.  Communication is always the key to every solution.  People have to let their children know their expectations of them and what happens if they don't do what you expect of them.  You also have to let them know that things can't always be their way.  When they do something wrong, you have to explain why it's wrong as well as help them understand why it's wrong.  One must always take the time out to communicate with their children, so you can understand each other. 

Yes my children are not perfect but neither am I.  Everyday I learn something new about them and something about myself.  As well as they learn things about me and themselves.  Everyday I teach them new expectations and new consequences.  When things don't work out and they do things that I don't agree with, I don't hold it against them.  I just talk to them and let them know why and I try to find a more effective way of handling the situation. 

I found that getting angry and yelling does not work.  Behavior modification with good communication does work.  It's okay to let your child know that you are disappointed by their actions and they must be disciplined for it.  But never stop communicating with them.  Never give your children the silent treatment.  That's the worst thing a parent can do, cause they will shut down on you.  Never loose trust in your children, even if they do things that cause you not to trust them.  Always be open with your feelings and let them know how you feel as well as listen to what they have to say.  There is always a reason behind everything.  No matter how upset they get when you punish them and they begin to say things like "that's why I hate you".  Don't give in!  That's the worst thing you can do and that is where you make your mistake which only leads you to believe that you are a bad parent. 

I am not the perfect parent but I learn from trial and error.  What works for me, may not work for others and what works for others, may not work for me.  The key is to find what works for you and your children.  The worst thing to do is give up on yourself and consider yourself a bad parent or consider your children bad children.  That's straight societal thinking.  My views tend to be different from society.  But that is another blog.

My view for me and my children; we may not be perfect and we have our ups and downs.  But we never give up on each other and we manage to always work things out, especially through communication.