Perfectly Imperfect Life

 Wake up in the morning making a liste of determinations in my head.  Looking forward to what lies ahead. Can’t see what’s in front but keep walking the path.  Letting god guide me. Can’t see him but I know he’s there.  

I’m not perfect but he knows my heart.  Good intentions although I sometimes I sin. I know I’m always here for the win. 

Daily struggles but always make it through knowing that everything is always possible no matter how long it takes.  

Darkness fails.

 

Darkness fails when you look into the light.

Look within your soul, and you will prevail.  

No time waisted when love is in your heart.

Follow your path. Conquer your dreams.   

Seek the lord for teaching and meaning.  

Darkness fails when you look into the light.

Deceptions and allegations.

Seek truth for it shall set you free.  

Spread your wings and be fearless. 

Free spirited and strong willed.  

Looked into the light. Darkness failed.  

Stay home, Stay Safe, Stay Sane!

We are almost at the end of August!  I have literally been working from home since March! I'm not gonna lie; when this pandemic first started, I did not know what to make of it.  I did not know whether to believe it or not.  As days went on and it was all over the news and the number cases went up; I began to know, shit was getting real out there.  That's when my mental health sort of deteriorated.  I was fighting a silent battle to not affect others around me.  My anxiety and bipolar depression took over me. It had me to the point where I even began to loose my hair. All I wanted to do was sleep all day but I couldn't cause I had to get up and work.  Adjusting to working from home was a struggle cause the systems we have are slow and kept kicking me out.  I was getting frustrated to the point where shit would make me cry.  I was also homeschooling a teen and a preschooler.  Thank goodness the teen was able to do things on his own.  But the preschooler was a lot difficult.  My Dad was also a little bored and stressed out cause he had to stop jogging.  I couldn't take the risk of letting him go out at his age. 

As weeks went by I began to adjust and get accustomed to the change.  I decided that I was not going to let this CORONA shit get to me or take over me and my emotions.  It was time to battle this thing of course safely and in Quarantine.  I started to think positive and find better and easier of way in working from home.  Copy and paste are my best friends.  As a lot may know I am obsessive compulsive.  I think this whole family is.  I began to organize my home work life a.k.a. #Quaratinelife2020 . I took this opportunity to clean up my room and get rid of much needed items.  I transformed things in my room in order to make myself a work space separate from my sleeps space.  I moved my computer desk and got myself a new computer and printer to make things easier for me especially since I found out that we may be working from home until the middle of next year or so.  

So my Dad and I decided to partner up and tackle this new way of living.  The first two months was times of adjustment.  I bought him, a Cubii so he can at least exercise his legs, I got him a recliner, a Nintendo mini and The Emerald 360 Air fryer to keep him entertained.  My son on the other hand loves this quarantine.  He was made for this, cause he gets to be on the PlayStation, watch TV or YouTube all day.  Once in a while he will step out with his mask to go play basketball.  Jaylee has been go back and forth between here and her PGP's.  She stays with them for two weeks and then stays here for two weeks.  

My Dad gets up and makes sure I get up top log in for work.  He works out while I have my coffee and start my work day.  He then makes us breakfast.  After work, I always find something to do in this house so that i don't get bored or end up sitting down all day.  I also make sure to include my dad, Jaylee and Julie Ann so that they don't get bored or develop the quarantine stress.  Everyday is something different.  Mondays are the worst though. Mondays are the days when work is chaotic and I end up working through lunch and overtime after work.  Those are the days where once I am done is bath and bed while chillaxing watching TV.  Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays are lighter so I might either tackle a certain spot in the house to throw things out or cook something to give my dad a break.  Friday it depends but I am always done by 5. So I might do something different like either have someone come over and we'll cook and have some drinks or might go out and visit someone or just take a walk around the hood.  Sometimes I might just stay home and catch a flick with Jaylee or my Dad.  

The weekends are always different, it's either stay home and clean or schedule some time with others.  Every other weekend is for visiting with family or friends. 

I have truly come around and have fully adjusted into working from home.  I am no longer suffering quarantine stress, anxiety or bipolar depression, my hair is not falling out as much and I am a much rounded happier person.  

Well Stay home, stay safe and stay blessed!!

Losing Your Mother

                          A piece of My Heart



I have lost many people in my life but losing my Mother has been the hardest to accept and the hardest to believe.  There are moments when I feel like I am dreaming and will wake up from a nightmare.  My mother was my everything...she was a Gemini...she could be my enemy but my best friend at the same time while growing up.  Of course as children, you think you know it all so your parent becomes your enemy and as you get older you realize they were right from the beginning and they become that only person you can rely on.  That was my Mom!  I hold the fondest and best memories of her.  I was one of those children who left home and always came back as if I was still attached to the cord.  There was nothing or no one that would keep me away from my parents...our bond is tight!  No matter how many times I moved out, I always moved back in.  It was like I was the one who needed to keep them company and safe.  We took care of each other until it was me and Dad taking care of her as she aged and her mind went another direction in other words the old age decease of Dementia and Paranoia.  There was only so much that we could do to keep her stabilized for as long as we could. 

On November 7th, 2016, she took a turn for the worst and had to be hospitalized.  It was one of the most stressful years of my Dad's, Family and my life.  I was going from a stressful job to the hospital and then home to take care of the kids and grand kids.  How did I do it?  How did survive?  I can only say by the grace of God.  Around December 21, 2016 we almost lost her and god gave us another 11 months with her.  Mom was transferred from the hospital to a rehabilitation center in February 2017.  Where she spent the rest of her remaining life in.  Those 9 months she was in there were the most depressing and stressful times for my Family and I, especially my DAD!  Watching him go through it made me go through it, however we all went through it. 

There is one thing I never told my Dad and my siblings, when my mother was admitted to the rehabilitation, both my brother and I became her proxy's.  During one of my visits I spoke with the team and gave them specific instructions that if something ever happened to my mother they are NOT to call my Dad or my Brother first as they would not be able to handle it.  They were instructed to call only me as I will designate myself to be the bearer of bad news! That is how my Mom would have wanted it.  Of course since I had prepared myself during the year she was not at home.   I believe that my Mom attempted to prepare me and all for her departure...some of us saw it and some of didn't.  I saw it and my brother Jr. saw through experiences and dreams.  I asked God for a miracle everyday but also asked him to prepare me if he was taking her. 

What I did not realize is that no matter how much you prepare yourself, no matter how much your loved one prepares you for their departure and God prepares you.  You are never prepared.  The pain is real. No one is ever prepared to loose a loved one.  I know that we all will have our days but no one is ever prepared to loose a loved one!!  I know God one day will prepare me for my departure.  I know it will be the most painful day for my kids.  I pray for them. 

I know during her last days; my Mom prayed for us internally as she became non-verbal.  We know that she loved us as she would cry and smile when she saw us.  We loved her and I know she went knowing that she was loved and that she will be missed but we will remain strong and carry her legacy. 

I am the strongest of us all because Mom made me that way.  Mom thought me to be the Wonder Woman that I am and to keep my family together.  Like my mother used to say "Dios es mi pastor, nada me faltara" (the Lord is my shepherd, I will not miss anything).  RIP Mom!!

"Giving up is not an option" (P.M.M)

For the past year and a half, I went through it!  I had the ultimate life struggle.  I went from a separation, to living with my parents back to moving out on my own while going back to school to obtain my Master's in Public Administration and Affairs all continuing to raise my children and grand children.  IT was a hell of a struggle but I did it!  I accomplished what I thought I couldn't achieve.  There were many times where I felt like I was just going to give up due to extraneous circumstances but thank god I had my best friend Mimi, my field instructor Yessy and my dad by my side to help me keep it pushing. My best friend will always tell me, "giving up is not an option".  That stuck with me for my last two semesters.  There were times where I cried and times where I laughed.  Now I just smile.  There were times where I felt selfish because my main priorities were completing homework, ensuring that things at work were up to date and making sure my parents were good forgetting that I have 3 little ones at home and a needy almost adult late teens 19 year old child at home leaving her in charge.  Yup, there were times she got the short end of the stick and I kind of felt bad until I realized what I was doing was not only going to benefit me but will also benefit their future.

SO! Yea, I don't live with a guilty feeling anymore.  If I could do it all over again I would but thank god not.  Every aspect of that one year intensive course was worth it and a lesson learned.  I am proud that I made the extra effort to the finish line.  I am grateful that I had those who I had to help me grow mentally, professionally and personally.

With that said I challenge everyone to set Goals and Conquer.  If I can anyone can.  They key is apply, believe and self-motivate.  Set a goal and reach for it until you get to that finish line.

I'm going to call this one---->Robin Williams-Good Bye to me-->Depression has no prejudice....

     

       Last Sunday something strange happened to me and I still wonder how things in life inexplicably happen.  I was in my room resting of course after chores.  It was the one day that I didn't do my nails or hair cause I was too tired.  I decided to sit home and relax and watch some TV which I rarely do since Netflix came out.  I started to think of Robin Williams and decided to watch some of his movies just because I had a very long week and needed some laughs.  The strangest thing was right before bed I started to think of "Mork and Mindy" as well as repeating the phrase "Nanu Nanu" in my head while bursting out in laughter and wondering whatever happened to that show.  I went to bed with a smile thinking about how funny Robin Williams always was and how he always made me laugh no matter how serious a movie was, there was always one piece of funny in him.

       On Monday while typing notes at work, my phone vibrated with a notification from Eye Witness News with the headline reading "Actor Robin Williams 63 found dead."  At first I cleared the notification and then it hit me...wait a minute; did I just read that right.  Let me open up the app!  Sure enough it was what I read.  I couldn't believe what I was reading.  Nah this can't be true, I was just watching some of his movies yesterday and thinking of "Mork and Mindy"...."Nanu Nanu".  Nah that can't be true.  Next to you know I hear voices in the office "Omg, Robin Williams died"! Male voice- "Who?"  Female voice-"you know, the Nanu Nanu man".  Damn so it is true.  SMH, I wonder what happened was all I could think of, after that.  

       So I come home to watch the News..."apparent suicide".  Nah that can't be true, he was the funniest man alive.  How can someone that appeared so happy and make people laugh...kill himself?  Is that possible? But wait! I was thinking of him all night! I went to bed with a smile from all the laughter I was given by him.  Made me have something special to remember, the fact that I thought of him in his gifted ways the night before I hear of his death; was his way of saying good bye to me.  His death touched me in many ways.  My twin died of an "apparent suicide".  I still question why sometimes. What makes people take their lives so early?

       When my brother died we were left with a bunch of rumors and speculations.  Until this day no one really knows what happened.  Fact is my brother was very different from the rest of us.  He forced himself to grow up at an early age.  No one ever knows what was running through his mind.  Knowing who I am and how I was back then can only tell me what part of him was.  I know back then I suffered from depression to the point where I ended up in a mental institution four times.  One of them being after my twin passed away.    I can only imagine my twin suffered the same however reacted differently.  

       Depression has no prejudice.  People do not choose to be depressed.  No one wants sadness and darkness in their life.  Depression is an illness.  Just like any other illness, an illness no one wants or ask for.  Sometimes it just comes! Not everyone who holds a smile is a happy person.  Some people know how to hide behind a smile.  Like Robin Williams hid behind his comedy and making people laugh.  

People really need to learn the signs and symptoms and know that there is help out there.

Julie Rodriguez ©  

Signs:

• Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
• Fatigue and decreased energy
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
• Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
• Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
• Irritability, restlessness
• Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
• Overeating or appetite loss
• Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
• Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
• Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

Depression carries a high risk of suicide. Anybody who expresses suicidal thoughts or intentions should be taken very, very seriously. Do not hesitate to call your local suicide hotline immediately. Call 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) or 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) -- or the deaf hotline at 1-800-799-4TTY (1-800-799-4889).

Warning signs of suicide with depression include:

• A sudden switch from being very sad to being very calm or appearing to be happy
• Always talking or thinking about death
• Clinical depression (deep sadness, loss of interest, trouble sleeping and eating) that gets worse
• Having a "death wish," tempting fate by taking risks that could lead to death, such as driving through red lights
• Losing interest in things one used to care about
• Making comments about being hopeless, helpless, or worthless
• Putting affairs in order, tying up loose ends, changing a will
• Saying things like "It would be better if I wasn't here" or "I want out"
• Talking about suicide (killing one's self)
• Visiting or calling people one cares about

Remember, if you or someone you know is demonstrating any of the above warning signs of suicide with depression, either call your local suicide hot line, contact a mental health professional right away, or go to the emergency room for immediate treatment.

Signs of Clinical Depressions (2012) Symptoms of Depression http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/detecting-depression

Happy Mother's Day Mom!

Situations always make me a stronger person.

Hola migente! Wassabe!

It's been awhile since I been here.  Well since my last blog a lot has been going on.  I been very busy.  I re-arranged my living room, got rid of the annoying biatch Diamond etc etc.  She living good now though.  She live in a house with a two doctors and three children and a huge back yard she can run wild in.  Glad I let her go.  Any who I still have my turtle, guinea pig and Bella.

My son was in the hospital for a day and half due to somehow getting asthma.  That was the most scariest experience for the both of us.  Well to me more because he really didn't understand what was going on with him and only wanted to be home playing the damn Xbox.  I on the other hand was a paranoid wreck inside but remain strong and calm for the both of us.  Thank goodness I had my family Debbony, Ramze and Ruben by my side and my peoples Michi, Lissy, Rosie, Fifi and more supporting me via text etc.  It's not easy nor pleasurable to hear a doctor say "you're lucky you brought him in when you did."  That shit blew my mind!! That's my baby, my prince, my second and final born.  I thank god that everything turned out right and my baby is okay now! Well physically, mentally and emotionally okay, but he still under medication and has to be monitored very closely and is limited on a lot pf physical activities for now.  But I am truly grateful for both my children.

My teen! She drives me nuts!!! But she my twin, my princess, my first born, my everything and my mirror image to the power of infinity! But she hasn't killed me yet! Otherwise Ya wouldn't be reading this.  Oh yeah and hers too ended up in the hospital because her never listens when I tell her it's cold out put on a coat.  She be swearing that she freaking cold proof!! FOH! What the hell is wrong with teenagers dag nammit! and then they got the nerves to blame me when they get sick...like nah son! But any who...she aiight after 3 hours and two treatments.  She ain't got to be monitored, she just gotta be slapped up into wearing her coat which she effin didn't wear today cause after she left to school I found it in the living room. She wore her tiny ass justin beiber jacket (that's what I call it.)  Deja que se me enferme otra ves.  She gonna hear my mouth till infinity.

Me! Went through that experience with my baby and then had to do a lot of catching up at work.  You know what it is to work in a damn hurricane with no MTA transportation, so you're limited to actually do work cause you can't do home visits to then end up in an emergency with one of your children that caused me to have to take some days off and then the holiday to have to comeback to a huge amount of work and like 4 damn brand new cases.  I have been working overtime since catching up with visits and gonna have to continue working overtime just to document them damn visits.  But anyway, I know I can do it.  I always do!

Through all this, I learned that I am the strongest person I know! Nothing can break me and can only strengthen me.  What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger.  Life goes on....

Bueno migente have a good evening! Hasta la proxima!

Parenting: There is no wrong or right way...

     Often times you hear people say things like "that's bad parenting" or "they are raising their children the wrong way" which only makes you think...well WTF is good parenting or what is the right way to parent.  The thing is, there is no wrong or right way.  There is just effective and ineffective ways of dealing with children. 

When children do things we don't agree with, they are not being bad.  They are just doing something we don't agree with.  The key to fixing that is letting them know and giving them consequences.  Communication is always the key to every solution.  People have to let their children know their expectations of them and what happens if they don't do what you expect of them.  You also have to let them know that things can't always be their way.  When they do something wrong, you have to explain why it's wrong as well as help them understand why it's wrong.  One must always take the time out to communicate with their children, so you can understand each other. 

Yes my children are not perfect but neither am I.  Everyday I learn something new about them and something about myself.  As well as they learn things about me and themselves.  Everyday I teach them new expectations and new consequences.  When things don't work out and they do things that I don't agree with, I don't hold it against them.  I just talk to them and let them know why and I try to find a more effective way of handling the situation. 

I found that getting angry and yelling does not work.  Behavior modification with good communication does work.  It's okay to let your child know that you are disappointed by their actions and they must be disciplined for it.  But never stop communicating with them.  Never give your children the silent treatment.  That's the worst thing a parent can do, cause they will shut down on you.  Never loose trust in your children, even if they do things that cause you not to trust them.  Always be open with your feelings and let them know how you feel as well as listen to what they have to say.  There is always a reason behind everything.  No matter how upset they get when you punish them and they begin to say things like "that's why I hate you".  Don't give in!  That's the worst thing you can do and that is where you make your mistake which only leads you to believe that you are a bad parent. 

I am not the perfect parent but I learn from trial and error.  What works for me, may not work for others and what works for others, may not work for me.  The key is to find what works for you and your children.  The worst thing to do is give up on yourself and consider yourself a bad parent or consider your children bad children.  That's straight societal thinking.  My views tend to be different from society.  But that is another blog.

My view for me and my children; we may not be perfect and we have our ups and downs.  But we never give up on each other and we manage to always work things out, especially through communication. 

Change is good!

Working in an agency that is fast paced and goes through many changes... one can only accustom and accept it.  I have learned a lot about myself within the past months.  Back in 2008 when we would go through changes I became afraid and anxious cause things were new to me.  As months gone by I learned that there are always gonna be changes.  Next to you know I began finding myself getting angry and frustrated cause it was like there was way too many changes in which some I did not agree with and still don't but hey whatever gets the job done.  So I learned to accept change for what it is and move on. 

Recently we have gone through several changes and I learned that the more changes we go through the more growth I develop.  I am now accepting of any change thrown our way.  Each day I learn something new about the agency, the people I work with and especially about myself.  Although I still don't agree with some of the changes that have been made.  I accept them cause I know there is always a reason behind the change.  Eventually things do work out for the better. 

I am grateful to be working in an agency that focuses in the safety of our City's children and on strenghtening our families.  I am also grateful for the great supporters and colleagues that I have who provide constant guidance and have helped to develop my skills and maturity in this agency.

My Societal Background

LOL...I see this picture and it looks like some type of bochinche going on.  But it fits for what I am about to express.

Race - Biological categorization (hair, eyes, skin, etc.) 
Ethnicity - Group of racially similar people of similar origin 
Culture - Shared values, ideals, beliefs of a group of people regardless of race and ethnicity
Cultural Identity - Chosen or adopted culture
Nationality - What is the nation they identify as their national origin

Working at where I work and doing what I do; I have learned a lot and I have come from being naive to accepting it all.  We are all born HUMANS.  So although I am "Nuyorican".  If yah don't know a "Nuyorican" is someone born in New York whose parents were born in Puerto Rico.  My roots as I researched and my parents have answered numerous times when asked derived from Puerto Rican, Irish, Italian, African American (my pops side) and Puerto Rican, Taino and Spaniard (my moms side).  Dayuuum! Am a Mutt! Lol.  But anyways I really dislike being asked the questions what are you? (in other words what race or nationality) I always gotta be sarcastic and say HUMAN; because I am of the human race.  Really that is not an appropriate question.  I could never ask a client that.  I asked them the correct terms; what's your nationality, culture and how do you identify yourself in race?  Actually what are you? like so deserve any type of answer, especially a sarcastic one. And can also be answered with another question such as what the eff do you mean?!

So let me break it down for you.  Race- My Skin color is what I like to say beige (tan), my eyes are brown and my hair is dyed.  In other words by societal standards I am disque "White".  Ethnicity-Hispanic/Latina and I use both because I am Hispanic because I come from a culture and place of origin that speak Spanish.  Latina because I am a Spanish female with Italian roots (Italy was once under the Roman Rule and this is where the term Latino comes from).  Culture- I identify myself with Puerto Rican American.  Why, because I share the values, ideals and beliefs of both. I celebrate Christmas cause I am American but I also celebrate 3 kings day cause I am Puerto Rican.  I put up the American flag during the 4th of July cause I am American and I throw up my Puerto Rican flag basically through out the year and attend the Puerto Rican day parade cause I be like pura boricua.  Cultural Identity- I chose to identify myself with what I am Puerto Rican Irish Italian Taino Spaniard African American American Nuyorican! JUST LIKE THAT! DAS IT! Nationality - at the end of the day I am an AMERICAN! GO OBAMA!!

There you have it! Hasta la proxima!

JUST MY THOUGHTS

LIFE IS FULL OF SURPRISES...YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN.

WHETHER IT IS GOOD OR BAD IS STILL A SURPRISE.

IT'S FUNNY HOW THINGS HAPPEN AND THINGS CHANGE.

IT'S FUNNY HOW WE SAY WERE GONNA DO SOMETHING BUT WE NEVER DO IT.

OR WE SAY THAT WE NOT GONNA DO SOMETHING BUT WE END UP DOING IT.

LIFE WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS....AND WE JUST HAVE TO TAKE IT AS IT COMES.

BUT I LOVE LIFE AND I LIVE MY LIFE...THE WAY AS IT GOES...I TAKE EACH DAY FOR GRANTED.

IF THATS THE WAY GOD WANTS ME TO BE....THAN THATS THE WAY I AM GOING TO BE.

IF HE WANTS ME TO MAKE PEACE...THAN THATS WHAT I AM GOING TO DO.....IF PEOPLE DON'T LIKE IT...THAN ACT BLIND AND TURN THE OTHER WAY.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE ME.....THAN LOOK IN THE MIRROR CAUSE YOU MUST NOT LIKE YOURSELF.

IN ORDER TO LOVE SOMEONE...YOU MUST LOVE YOURSELF FIRST.

I LOVE MYSELF....SO THERE FOR I LOVE YOU.

I was just thinking.

I was just think.....thinking about the memories I can't forget.  I remember them like it was yesterday.  All the times we used to share.  All the love and care.  The happy and the joyful times.  The times when we laughed and played, when we used to chase each other all day.  Even the times that we fought and then gave it a thought as to why were we fighting to begin with.  There was a lot that we shared.  We were there for each other through think and thin.  It all started out in the womb.  Yeah we shared that too.  Damn we even did things together in there.  We laughed, cried and played in there too. 

Damn we raced in there too...we raced to see who came out first.  Guess what, I won.  I beat you by sixteen minutes, thats what I was told.  From birth to childhood everything was understood.  It was when we became teens when everything began to change.  That is when everything seemed different and we began to slightly go our seperate ways.  But no matter what we still shared our love and care.  We had a special bond no one could take away.  For you were my brother and I was your sister.  As a matter of fact...we were TWINS...nothing could bring us apart...for you will always be in my heart.

To be continued

MEMORIES

I REMEMBER THOSE DAYS, WHEN WE USED TO PLAY HIDE N SEEK.  THOSE DAYS WE RAN AROUND THE HOUSE PLAYING COPS AND ROBBERS OR WAS IT DRUG DEALERS AND FIVE O.

IT DIDN'T MATTER, WE INVENTED OUR OWN GAMES. I REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE "CHACHI THE GREATEST" AND I WAS "ANDRE THE GIANT".  YEAH A GIRL LIKE ME LOVED WATCHING WRESTLING.

OH AND THE DAYS MAMI AND DADDY WENT TO DO COMPRA AND WE TURNED OUR LIVING ROOM INTO A BASEBAL FIELD.  DAMN WE BROKE MAD FIGURAS.  BUT THATS AIIGHT...SHE GOT A WHOLE BUNCH NOW ANYWAYS. 

OH SNAP. I JUST REMEBERED HOW I WAS TALLER THAN YOU AS WE WERE KIDS AND DAMN YOU GREW TALLER THAN ME, BUT THAT WAS RIGHT BEFORE YOU PAST AWAY.  I MISS YOU.  BUT IT DOESN'T HURT ANYMORE. 

BUT DAMN IT HURT A LOT WHEN YOU LEFT THOUGH. BUT I LEARNED TO JUST LIVE EACH DAY WITH MEMORIES THAT WILL LAST A LIFETIME. BESIDES YOU ARE ALWAYS WITH ME NO MATTER WHAT.  I CARRY YOU WITH ME IN MIND AND HEART. AND NO ONE WILL BREAK THAT APART.

BITTER SWEET MEMORIES

WHEN WE MET, WE WERE GREAT FRIENDS.

ONE THING LED TO ANOTHER AND SOON WE WERE LOVERS.

I FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM, HE FELL IN LOVE WITH ME. NEXT TO YOU KNOW, WE DID THE WEDDING THING.

WE WERE IN LOVE AND IT LASTED AWHILE.

THEN ONE DAY THINGS BEGAN TO CHANGE.

OUR LOVE WAS NEVER THE SAME.

HE DID IT TO ME AND I DID IT TO HIM.

ALL WAS FORGIVEN BUT NEVER FORGOTTEN.

WE'D THOUGH TO GIVE IT A SECOND CHANCE AND IT WAS GOOD WHILE IT LASTED.

I RECENTLY FOUND OUT HE DID IT AGAIN.

AND THIS TIME AROUND, THE MAN THAT I LOVED AND THOUGHT THAT WOULD BE HERE WITH ME FOREVER, WALKED OUT OF MY LIFE.

I LOVED HIM SO AND IT HURTS SO MUCH.

HE WAS ALWAYS GOOD TO ME, I LOVED HIM WITH ALL MY HEART, WHY DID THIS OTHER ONE HAD TO GO AND BREAK US APART?

THEY SAY I SHOULD GET OVER HIM, BUT THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND. THAT THE LOVE I HAD FOR HIM IS HARD TO WITHDRAW.

I WAS ADDICTED TO HIS LOVE AND TENDERNESS. I HAD A ROUTINE IN MY LIFE WITH HIM. 

NOW EACH DAY OF MY LIFE IS FILLED WITH BITTER SWEET MEMORIES.

I SPEND MY NIGHTS THINKING OF HIM AND WONDERING WHERE DID THINGS GO WRONG. FOR THE LOVE I HAD FOR HIM WAS ALWAYS STRONG.

I MISS HIM SO MUCH, IT DRIVES ME CRAZY.

NO ONE WILL EVER UNDERSTAND MY GREAT DEPRESSION.

WHEN IT COMES TO THE BITTER SWEET MEMORIES, I FIND THAT CRYING MYSELF TO SLEEP IS THE ONLY THING THAT I CAN DO.

I KNOW HE IS NOT COMING BACK.  SO SLOWLY BUT SURELY I WILL GET OVER HIM.

MY BABIES ARE THE ONES WHO KEEP ME SANE, ALTHOUGH I KNOW THINGS WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.

THINKING OF MY LOST LOVE...

YOU WERE MY BROTHER...YOU WERE MY FRIEND.

IN MY HEART YOU WILL ALWAYS BE UNTIL THE END.

AFTER YOU LEFT...MY LIFE WENT ON...WITH SUCH SWEET SORROW OVER AND OVER UNTIL TOMORROW.

IT'S A CYCLE IN MY LIFE THAT IS NEVER ENDING FOR MY TURN IS STILL PENDING.

I WAIT PATIENTLY FOR MY LORD TO COME FOR ME...FOR YOU AND ME TOGETHER WE WILL ALWAYS BE.

I KEEP YOU WITH ME..EACH DAY AND NIGHT, EMOTIONALLY AND MENTALLY IS A REAL BIG FIGHT...BUT KNOWING THAT YOU'RE WITH ME MAKES EVERYTING ALRIGHT.

NEAR OR FAR APART...YOU WERE ALWAYS AND WILL REMAIN IN MY HEART.

DEEP THOUGHTS

I WAS BORED AND WAS THINKING, WHY DO THINGS ALWAYS GOT THE OPPOSITE WAY.

LIKE WHEN YOU ARE WAITING FOR A CAB AND THERE IS NEVER ONE AROUND AND WHEN YOU AIN'T TRYING TO TAKE ONE, THEY ALWAYS SEEM TO APPEAR OUT OF NO WHERE.

OR WHEN YOU IN A FREAKING RUSH...THE TRAIN TAKES FOREVER TO REACH YOUR STOP AND HAS MANY DELAYS BEFORE YOU REACH YOUR FINAL DESTINATION. 

AND WHEN YOU ARE NOT IN A RUSH TO GET HOME, CAUSE YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT THE F*&*(^ IS GOING TO HAPPEN WHEN YOU GET THERE, YOU FREAKING GET THERE TOO FAST.

WHAT ABOUT THE DAYS WHEN YOU WAITING FOR THAT PERSON TO CALL AND THEY NEVER DO AND WHEN YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE OR HEAR FROM THEM, THEY FUKING POPOUT OF NOWHERE.

DO YOU EVER WONDER, MAYBE WE GIVE OURSELVES MIXED SIGNALS OR IF WE ARE RECEIVING THE WRONG SIGNS?


IT JUST DAWNED ON ME....THAT CERTAIN THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON. I BUMPED INTO MY COUSIN ON THE BUS YESTERDAY AND SHE SAID SHE HAD WENT TO THE CEMETARY WHERE MY BROTHER IS AT....WHICH IS LIKE REALLY CLOSE TO HOME.....MAYBE THERE IS A REASON WHY I WAS BROUGHT AROUND THIS AREA.

BUT IS IT SO THAT I CAN VISIT THE CEMETARY MORE OFTEN, SINCE I ALWAYS MADE EXCUSES WHEN I LIVED FAR AWAY FROM IT, OR IS IT BECAUSE MY BROTHER WANTED TO BRING ME CLOSER TO HIM....I DON'T KNOW...IT SOUNDS WEIRD....BUT I AM VERY SKEPTICAL ABOUT THINGS AND BELIEVE IN MIRACLES AND SIGNS FROM OUT OF THE ORDINARY.



THERE IS THIS DREAM, THAT I KEEP HAVING....AND IN THAT DREAM HE KEEPS TELLING ME THAT SOME DAY I WILL KNOW THE TRUTH. LIKE WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, WHAT IS THE TRUTH AND HOW WILL I KNOW IT? IF HE IS NOT HERE TO LET ME KNOW. I WONDER.

ARE DREAMS REALLY TELLING US THE TRUTH OR IS IT JUST TELLING US WHAT WE WANT TO HEAR OR SEE? WHEN GOING TO COLLEGE, ONE OF MY PROFESOR'S TOLD THE CLASS TO BECAREFUL WHAT WE WISH, FOR WISHFUL THINKING IS WRONG, BECAUSE WHAT WE WISH FOR IN THE BACK OF OUR MINDS, ALWAYS COMES OUT TRUE IN OUR DREAMS, BUT MAY NOT REALLY BE WHAT WE WANTED TO HAPPEN IN REALITY.

WHATS THE POINT? THE POINT IS IF YOU WISHED SOMEONE WAS DEAD BECAUSE YOU WERE UPSET WITH THEM, IN YOUR DREAMS, YOUR WISH WILL BE SATISFIED, BUT WHEN YOU WAKE UP AND FIND OUT THAT PERSON DIED. YOU WILL REGRET EVER WISHING THAT THOUGHT TO BEGIN WITH. GET THE POINT?

MY LIFE

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL.

I HAVE LEARNED TO LIVE IT AND APPRECIATE IT.

I HAVE LEARNED TO APPRECIATE THOSE THAT SURROUND ME WHETHER IT BE FROM CLOSE OR FROM AFFAR.

EACH DAY THAT I BREATHE I THANK GOD, FOR GIVING ME THE EXTRA TIME TO SHARE WITH MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS, ALL THAT I HAVE TO OFFER.

I LIKE LIVING EACH DAY AT A TIME, GIVING ALL THAT I CAN GIVE.

I ENJOY MAKING OTHERS HAPPY.

I VALUE LIFE AND TAKE IT AS IT IS GIVEN TO ME.

AROUND ME...NOTHING STAYS THE SAME...EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS CHANGING.

WHILE THINGS COME TO AN END, IN OTHER AREAS, THERE IS ALWAYS A BEGINNING.

I GUESS THATS WHERE THE PHRASE, WHEN YOU LOOSE, YOU GAIN, CAME FROM.

I LOVE LIFE, I LIVE IT, I LEARN IT AND I APPRECIATE IT.

From Myspace

• Jul 24, 2007

  HAPPY BIRTHDAY TWIN

  Current mood:happy

  I JUST ADMIRING THE MEMORIES OF THE TIMES WE USED TO CELEBRATE OUR BIRTHDAY'S TOGETHER.  THOSE WERE THEY USED TO DRESS US THE SAME COLORS AND WHEN WE HAD OUR OWN LIL CAKES...YOURS HAD BLUE FLOWERS AND MINE HAD PINK.

  AS WE GOT OLDER WE KEPT THE TRADITION....WE WORE THE SAME COLORS AND WORE THE SAME SNEAKERS...EXCEPT WE DID WHAT EVER WANTED THROUGH OUT THE DAY TOGETHER, THEN GO HOME....BUT THIS TIME TO ONE MEDIUM SIZED PINK AND BLUE FLOWER CAKE THAT HAD BOTH OUR NAMES ON IT.

  THATS WHEN WE BEGAN TO BE GREADY AND ASKED WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR OWN CAKES.  BUT THATS ALSO WHEN IT WENT FROM RECEIVING TOYS AS GIFTS TO RECEIVING MONEY.....AND THE NUMBERS GOT BIGGER AS WE GOT OLDER.

  THOSE WERE THE GOOD OLD DAYS.  AS I CELEBRATE ON MY OWN.  I CARRY YOU EVERYWHERE I GO.  AS THEY GIVE ME I ALWAYS ASK WHERE IS YOUR HALF...LOL...BUT IT DOESN'T WORK.....EITHER WAY YOURS IS ALWAYS CELEBRATED IN MY HEART AND MIND.

  I SOMETIMES ASK MYSELF....WHAT WOULD WE BE DOING, IF YOU WERE STILL AROUND....WOULD WE BE CELEBRATING IT WEARING THE SAME COLORS AND SNEAKERS...WOULD WE STILL BE DOING WHATEVER WE WANTED TOGETHER AND THEN GO HOME TO RECEING ONE CAKE FROM MOM AND DAD AND OUR OWN CAKES FROM OUR NEW FAMILY MEMBERS....WHO KNOWS?

  EITHER WAY....I KNOW WE WOULD HAVE MADE THE EFFORT TO SEE EACH OTHER.  OH DAMN I WAS SUPPOSED TO WORK TODAY...BUT GUESS WHAT?  I TOOK THE DAY OFF....I'M GOING THROUGH TO VISIT YOU.....SEE YOU AT THE CEMETARY....HAPPY BIRTHDAY TWIN!